What do you think? Are there more stars than grains of sand?
I believe there is more sand.
Because, all the time we were walking along the beach, I could feel it beneath my feet, and thought, there must be much, much more outside on the blackest bottom of the sea, deep down in the gaps and crevices not a single soul has ever seen.
Will you dive with me? Down there, into the coldest darkness?
If you don’t come back, I think I will. Watching the blue, blue sky in the untouchable, grey distance, I’ll be drifting on the surface of the water, sinking maybe. And once I reach the ground, I’ll look out for you, for the leering icy fingers of whirls and currents. My breath will be locked in my chest, my eyes far open, yet unseeing. I’ll reach out for a grasp of nothingness and catch it in my empty hands. Tell me, will you be there, awaiting? Will you hold me as you did when we were falling, back then when the world was blue?
Sometimes, I think I must be dreaming, hearing your voice in the gentle whisper of the waves that reach for my ankles.
I think they want to pull me in, drown me, make me yours.
Still, I’m resisting.
Didn’t you promise me, you’d be there when I fell into the river?
When the rain was matching your heartbeat, didn’t you swear?
Sometimes, I think I’ve imagined it in a gust of wind.
I can feel the cool heartbeat of the sea around my feet.
One step.
Two.
I can feel the tendrils of darkness, that cling to my heated skin. I’ll never forget how it felt, that one single time I was yours. Are you tempting me, in the silver scythe of the moon reflected on the waves?
I’m resisting.
Still.
But my resolution fades.
Will you tell me to stop, when I drop my clothes and take a step forward?
Will you resist me, when I drown in your arms?
When my heartbeat fades and all remains in silence?
Will you let me listen to yours then, one last time, before my lungs fill with water?
That steady rhythm of the waves along the shore.
I’ll never forget it.
But you know, nobody tames the sea. Nobody tames it.
I wonder if you’ll secretly read them, those words that are forming in ink black cords when I loose grip of reality.
I wonder if you’ll embrace me, when I leave and fall into a dream.
I know I’m shivering.
I know I’ll regret.
I know, I must go.
Because of what I feel.
Will you ever understand?
My helpless obsession with your deep blue love?
Not now. Not ever. Not never.
You, me, in the end, it wasn’t more than a stormy dream out there on the cold roof.
So let me go.
Deeper, deeper.
And take my soul.